Friday, September 10, 2010

"Torque"-Up Your Workout!

Lets start with something warm & fuzzy. Here is a picture of my beautiful, sweet little horse. He's new, he's the first horse I've wanted since my angel (Negrita) died about 5 years ago. Neggy was my horse from the time I was 13 till age 31. This fella is my new guy, and the one I expect to last the rest of our lives together. He's 9 now, still a youngling and off the racetrack. He's an ex-racer! Beautiful story, you'll have to hear it later though. On to the story of my torture!

Now then, on to the reason for this post. As many of you may know, I have been out of employment for about a month now. I went through another layoff. Unemployment benefits wouldn't feed a small animal, and so I've been looking for a new job - but I want something new, something DIFFERENT! (Don't we all?) Well I think I have found it, and I'm going for it with both barrels loaded for bear (so to speak... no real guns or ammo were or ever will be involved in this analogy).

However, this job (which shall remain nameless at this present time) will require a great physical commitment from me. There is not a traditional office setting, there is a lot of outdoor work and hazardous conditions, and a LOT of strenuous physical labor. Perhaps this is not the best job for someone having my particular set of health problems, but it's a job I've always fantasized about having nonetheless and I am over the moon at the opportunity to finally achieve this goal.

So upon finding the LOCAL job opening, I applied for it and was subsequently called in for an interview. Apparently not a lot of women (in their words, none) have ever applied for the position. As soon as my initial interview was completed, I called my sister-in-law Kay and asked her for immediate help with a workout plan that would help me pass the physical part of the testing without looking too much like an ass. I need endurance & stretching help ASAP! Kay is the queen of the body builders, by the way, and is dreaming of becoming a personal trainer some day soon.

Luckily she let me come over right away & she put together a plan of action. Starting with cardio - ten minutes of activity (jumping rope) to get my heart pumping, then followed-up with several printed pages worth of stretches to be done without weights until after the test is completed next week. After I pass the test (hopefully) then I can start doing the stretches with weights for optimal results.

On paper, these stretches have the most delightful names! Frog Stretch, Ham Stretch (I love ham!), Snow Shovel, Tricep Dips, and Russian Twists. As you can see, several of these names are familiar from the pastry counter at your local bakery. I was in HEAVEN! No one knows you like family; Kay has really come through for me & combined my favorite activity (eating) with the Hell of working out, in order to make it easier for me to assimilate.

Unfortunately, that is not the case. Turns out "Tricep Dips" are not a tasty ice cream flavor, it's Lucifer's Favorite Scoop (those are her words). Russian Twists, those are named after the machine Tomas de Torquemada used in the Crusades... I'm sure of it. So when Kay tells you she'll "Torque-up" a workout for you, she's f-ing serious!!!!! RUUUUUN!

I'm so sore I can't even cry today. My tear ducts are still bruised from last night. Keep your fingers crossed. I promise I will let everyone know about the true nature of the job should I manage to score it. Until then, I don't want to let the cat out of the bag & put a hex on it or anything.

Carpe Crustulum!
(Seize the Cookie)
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